Amusement Times - *** Humour ***

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Humour

A reporter asks a woman: 'What could you say about the love by first sight?'

The woman: 'I don't know. I've never been unfaithful to my husband.'

I wonder why Bill Clinton's nose is red? He's probably cursed by Boris Yeltzin.

Last year I lived against the prison, Now I live against my home.

Hypnotist and patient

Hypnotist: 'You're feeling well…'
Patient: 'I'm feeling bad.'
Hypnotist: 'You're feeling well, ve-e-ry well.'
Patient: 'Very bad.'
Hypnotist: 'You think that you are bad, in fact, you are well.'
Patient: 'You're felling well, I'm feeling awfully bad.'
Hypnotist: 'You're feeling so well, you can't even imagine how well…'
Patient: 'It's getting worse.'
Hypnotist: 'It's getting better and will be better.'
Patient: 'Oh, no, not better.'
Hypnotist: 'Too late. It'll be better, much better.'

Young parents accompany their 7 years old son to his first day at school. New uniform, flowers… The boy comes after school, throws his bag on the couch and says:
'Why didn't you tell me that this lasts for 10 years.'

A boy comes home after school.
His granny asks him: 'Well, tell me Jimmy, in what activities have you been engaged today?'
'Granny, you won't believe it! In chemistry class we've conducted experiments with explosives.'
'Oh, and what are you doing tomorrow at school?'
'At what school, granny?'

A drunken man, completely detached from reality, walks down the street. Accidentally hits a post. Thrown aback by such a hit he holds his head, spinning around and goes forward again, and hits the same post. Then he silently sits on the sidewalk:
'I'll wait till the demonstration is over.'

A Scottish family is gathered for the afternoon tea when an unexpected guest shows up. The guest is invited on the table.
Guest: 'May I wash my hands?'
Hostess: 'You wash your hands with soap, don't you?'
Guest: 'With soap.' Hostess: 'You'll have your tea without sugar, then.'

A man is driving his car and suddenly is overtaken by a hen. He accelerates but can't reach it. At speed of 60 mph the hen hastily takes a turn towards a farm. The man pulls over the car and asks the farmer:
'What kind of hens do you have?'
'It's a newly developed breed - for meat', the farmer replies.
'Well, are they tasty?', inquires the man.
The farmer shrugs and replies: 'God knows, nobody can catch them.'

On Russian television goes the soccer game Russia-Italy.
'I wish I was in Rome now', dreamily utters one man.
'The game isn't in Rome but in Moscow.', objects another.
'What a shame, I would've missed the game.'

Two Russians in liquor store.
'Well, we are having two or may be three?'
'Probably three…'
'Why? Yesterday we had three and one was left.'
'OK. Let's take two.'
To shop assistant: 'Ma'am, 4 bottles of vodka and two gherkins.'

A man goes out of the drug store.
Immediately after him runs the shop assistant:
'Sir, sir, you just took calcium glycoside. Give it back to me.'
'Why?'
'I've mistaken it with potassium cyanide.'
'But I've already drunk it.'
'Oh, you must quickly pay 25 cents more, then.'

An artificial insemination of cows goes on a farm. The vet with special syringe and a bank of sperm makes his way through the herd. When the process is over he sits in his car but cannot move it from its place. The car is closely surrounded by cows. The vet sounds the alarm - no reaction.
Finally, he rolls down his window and shouts: 'Hey you, get out of here.'
Then one of the cows with big sad eyes puts its head through the window and mournfully utters: 'What about a kiss?'

'Auntie, eat that candy.'
'Thank you, darling.'
'Tasty?'
'Very much.'
'That's strange. I wonder why the dog and the cat spitted it all the time.'

An English lord towards his butler:
'James, what is that noise coming from the street?'
'Demonstration of prostitutes, sir.'
'And what are their demands?'
'Better payment, sir.'
'Why? Are they low paid?'
'No, sir.'
'But then why they are discontented?'
'…Ladies, sir.'

'Do you want to hear the newest joke about Clinton?'
'Yes.'
'Pay a dollar.'

A mermaid with a baby approaches the pier of Miami harbor and addresses the gathered crowd:
'Could anyone tell me where lives Jimmy, the diver?'

Scary man and butler

Scary man (with an axe): 'Where they live?'
Butler: 'Who?'
Scary man: 'Who! Those…'
Butler: 'Those don't live here any more.'

Two old virgins are sitting on a bench in the back yard mournfully observing the cock that is running after a hen without succeeding to reach it. After two laps around the house, the hen runs out in the street and is smashed by a passing car. One of the virgins utters pathetically:
'She preferred death.'

A man at a restaurant asks the waiter:
'Excuse me, have you got wild duck?'
'No, sir, but we can enrage a domestic one for you.'

A crying little worm asks his mother:
'Mom, mom, where is daddy?'
'Hush! Daddy went fishing with men.'

A mother asks her son:
'How come that I didn't see your results on the test you did last week?'
'I gave my test to Jimmy. He wanted to scare his parents.'

The doorbell rings. The hostess opens the door. Two thick-necked are standing on doorstep:
'Did you call for blackmailers?'
'No.'
'Then pay 650 dollars for false call.'

'What is the remedy for love by first sight?'
'An examining second sight.'

A little boy went to the woods and disappeared. His mother was waiting, then running around the house, calling him… At last he came back.
'Where have you been? You went out for a half an hour but came back after two hours.'
'Mom, it was so interesting in the woods. A naked man was chasing a naked woman on a glade.'
'You weren't supposed to watch them, they were mad people.'
'The woman could be mad but the man definitely isn't - it was our daddy.'

A boy with swelled lip goes to school. His friends ask what happened to him.
'My father and I were in a boat on the lake when a wasp alighted on my lip.'
'You should've brushed it away.'
'I didn't make it. My father killed it by the oar.'

Moses speaks to his people:
'I've got two news - one good and one bad. There are Ten Commandments - that is the good news. The bad is - the adultery is included.'

Two women neighbors are talking.
'Mary, what's wrong with you? Are you ill? I saw the doctor coming out of your house twice last week.'
'So what? I saw an officer coming out of your house 5 times last week but I'm not saying that a war has broke.'

A critic was on exhibition of a painter. He made his remarks on portrait of a lady:
'Excellent. It looks like if she's real. Magnificent colors. And the light is perfect… But why did you choose such an ugly model?'
'This is my mother', answered the painter.
The critic was very confused when he said:
'I'm sorry very much… I should've realized at the beginning. You resemble so much your mother.'

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